The model is now the public face of the cosmetic treatment you never knew you needed: eyebrow transplants.
Although after Chrissy in 2021, when her past as an “insecure, attention-seeking troll” (her words) was revealed by fellow model Courtney Stodden, I’m sure she would have transplanted multiple legs and a head to divert attention.
Eyebrow transplants seem to be up there with bleaching your unspeakable in the range of procedures for those with too much time, money and vanity on their hands.
The surgical migration of follicles from the back of the head to the eyebrows – in Wayne’s case they stopped at the hairline like a Neolithic combover – has at least comic value because the hairs continue to grow and require a regular cut to stop becoming eye bangs. Eyebrows somehow know when they’re at their fullest length, unless you’re a man when they’re like the ivy of middle age, catching the wind and pushing women away .
But grafting is the next step in the evolution of the forehead.
If your makeup kit doesn’t include a pencil, gel, stencil, powder or pomade, which looks like something Clark Gable tapped on his blot, you really aren’t in the brow game.
And tweezing your own eyebrows is the cosmetic equivalent of DIY highlights – anyone can see it and no one is impressed.
This year alone, brow trends include fading, coloring, side feathers, straight and fluffy verticals brushed with a wolfish undertone.
An esthetician recently explained to me that brow lamination, which is essentially one perm for your brows, or two tiny perms to be precise, is the future, when those little hairs are chemically challenged to sit properly. This is for those who find microblading, two small tattoos, too intimidating.
In an industry notorious for its jargon, who thought “lamination” was synonymous with beauty and personal care?
Eyebrow enhancements are a boon for anyone who’s lost theirs to conditions like alopecia – but for most of us, the loss is entirely self-inflicted.
My first attempt at brow taming was with my dad’s Gillette, which left two patches of baldness. You’d think I’d quit after an hour.
They grew back, but the brows eventually gave up in disgust, as every woman with pointy tweezers and a passion for the perfect arch knows.
We’ve all met the person with the hair’s forehead and wondered why they’re continuing as virtual deforestation looms. Where is David Attenborough when you need him?
It took me years to put down the tweezers and allow only professionals full access to the eyebrows. They gave me important information like: brow tint plus fake tan equals orange brows, everyone has a good brow and a silly cousin, and don’t pluck the top of your brows unless they are completely smeared.
But as I sketch the absent and nail the finicky, it’s comforting to know that we’ve been obsessed with our brows since we first grew them out.
Cara Delevingne was credited with bringing back your full caterpillar, but Audrey Hepburn was naked in the fifties.
Marlene Dietrich shaved hers and brought them back a few millimeters higher. Sophia Loren shaved hers and drew on something that landed between the wolf and the rolling.
Bella Hadid’s ’90s skinny forehead was Twiggy’s ’60s forehead via Kate Moss’ debut.
The only rule should be if your brows go into a room before you do, it’s time to put the pencil down.